These Are Not My Pants
by Dreamweaving
Summary: Watch as Kaiba is possessed by singing pants and drives Joey nuts. Repost. Lightly implied shonen ai in some parts. But it's all humorous.
1. Broadway Musical

My alltime fav fic to write is back. Please enjoy the random.

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Kaiba was standing in the park, staring mindlessly at a tree when Joey Wheeler found him.

"Hey, Kaiba, you okay man?" Kaiba looked at him, a look of pure terror on his face.

"These are not my pants." He whispered. Joey sweatdropped. "Eh? Come again?"

Kaiba smiled eirilly and somewhere nearby a band began to play.

Then Kaiba broke into song. "THESE ARE NOT MY PANTS! WHO'S PANTS ARE THESE ANYWAY? CAUSE THEY CERTAINLY AIN'T MINE! NO SIRREE BOB! THESE AIN'T MY PANTS!"

Then he started to breakdance. Joey didn't know whether to be amused or completly horrified.

"THESE ARE NOT MY PANTS!" He grabbed an old man. "ARE THEY YOURS?"

The old man screamed and fled the scene. "THESE ARE NOT MY PANTS! MAYBE THEIR YOURS!"

He prodded Joey with a cane that he'd pulled out of nowhere.

Suddenly he was in a tux and tophat, tap dancing. "THESE! ARE! NOT! MY! PAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTS! NO THEIR NOT!"

Then he stopped, cane held out and tophat in hand. Crickets chirped.

Then Kaiba walked away as though nothing had happened. Joey stood still.

"Wow. That was weirder than Marik and the singing squirels yesterday. What's next?"

As if to answer his question, Dartz appeared in a shimmering red dress. "Man! I feel like a woman!"

Joey screamed. This was too much. He ran away, screaming in terror and didn't look back. Life was just a big freaky broadway show these days.


	2. MAN! I Feel Like A WOMAN!

Ever since the evil "Pants Exsperience", as it will forever be known, Joey Wheeler had been hiding in his closet next to a pair of smelly and slightly moldy gym shorts. Of course, that had been only two days. The weekend. And now Joey had no choice but to return to school.

Kaiba sat next to him reading a book so calmly that Joey figured it was all a horrible nighmare.

The principle walked in. "Your teacher mysteriously dissapeared and it has nothing to do with Yugi Muto so you will have a substitute."

He walked out andJoey looked at Yugi who cackled under his breath and crossed their teachers name off "The List".

At that point Dartz walked in wearing a revealing purple dress. Some boys whistled.

Joey felt like barfing when one yelled, "Cool! We get a hot chick for our sub!"

"DON'T YOU DIMWITS REALIZE THATS A MAN?" Tristan screamed. Joey was about to agree but some evil men in white coats came and dragged Tristan away.

Yugi cackled again and crossed Tristan's name off "The List". Joey now had the sneaking suspicion that Yugi was evil and plotting world domination.

But it only lasted a second since Joey thought Yugi was too kind and naive to plot world domination.

"Now class, I am your teacher, Da--I mean Ms.Smoochy. But you can just call me Smoochy."

The class all drooled. Joey now realized it was all males. Kaiba was the only one besides Joey and Yugi not drooling.

Suddenly Kaiba leapt onto his desk, dancing and playing a guitar to a country tune.

Dartz patted his head and opened his mouth. "The best thing about being a woman is the perogative to have a little fun!"

Joey forgot all about school and ran away screaming. Afterall, A boy's sanity can only take so much. 


	3. Never Insult A Psycho

"These are nooooooot my pants... These are noooooot my pants..."

Joey lay hudled under his covers, staring warilly at his closed window. He hoped the glass was enough to keep his "stalker" out.

He also wondered why nobody else seemed to hear the teenager singing. He was quite loud. The again, maybe it was all in Joey's head.

He tugged the covers up further as the singing got louder.

"THESE ARE NOT MY PANTS! SOMEONE CALL CANADA AND HAVE THE OWNER COME GET THEM!"

He shivered as a cloud moved to cover the moon, throwing his room into darkness, and yanked the blanket over his head.

The singing stopped and Joey thought Kaiba had finaly went home. Afterall, it was winter and he had to be freezing outside in nothing but those leather pants he kept denying.

Then he heard the whisper in his ear. "These are not my pants."

He jumped up quickly, screaming like a loon and turned to see Kaiba sitting on his bed with his large souless eyes focused on the blonde.

"These are not my pants...not my pants...not my pants. These are not my pants..."

Joey stood still. "Kaiba...jeez. Maybe ya' should jus' give da pants back ta' da owner."

Kaiba closed his eyes and tilted his head back. "Not my pants...not my pants...not my pants...not my pants...not my pants...not my pants...not my pants...not my pants...not my pants...not my pants..." He chanted.

Joey moved back. "Sorry man. Didn' mean ta' insult ya' or nothin'..."

"Not my pants...not my pants...not my pants...not my pants...not my pants...not my pants...not my pants...not my pants...not my pants...not my pants..."

"Kaiba...dude...GO HOME!" Joey yelled, then clamped his hand over his mouth as Kaiba shut up and his eyes snapped open.

The calmly, Kaiba walked over and climbed out the window.

Joey stared. Then clutched his chest. "Jeez, I gotta figure out howta' get 'im back ta' normal." 


	4. The Singing Pants' Owner:Revealed

Joey was sitting in the library. The perfect hiding place!

I mean, if a man is going to break out singing about pants or being a woman, he won't do so in the library where Ms.Bitters, the insanely strict librarian resided. She was pure evil.

He was reading a book. Kaiba came in and sat next to him. He almost ran away but remembered Ms.Bitters and calmed down. He sighed in relief.

Just then Kaiba lept onto the table and sang in a sort of hymn. "THESE ARE NOT MY PANTS!"

Ms.Bitters looked up. "No indeed their not!" She sang in reply.

Joey was horrified.

"THESE ARE REALLY NOT MY PANTS! I SWEAR!"

The whole library sang with Ms.Bitters. "Who's pants are they my boy? Who has lost their pants?"

Kaiba started moonwalking accross the table, knocking books over. "THESE ARE NOT MY PANTS! AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY CAME FROM! THEY AIN'T MINE!" "No siree. They ain't his."

Joey whimpered as they closed in around him.

Suddenly the doors opened and everyone froze. Alister marched in and walked straight up to Kaiba. "Kaiba. Those are my pants." He stated calmly.

Kaiba jumped off the table. "I was in a hurry this morning Alister. So I grabbed the wrong pair."

"Well you need to pay more attention. Yours are too small for me."

"Not my fault. Your fat."

"YOU KNOW VERY WELL I AM NOT!"

Joey felt sick suddenly as he realized something. "Oh God..." He ran out of the library screaming.

Kaiba stared. "What a weirdo."

Alister glared at Kaiba. "That is the last time I come to a sleepover at your house. No matter how much Mokuba begs." 


	5. I'm Too Smexy

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Creeeak.

"Man! I feel like a woman!"

SLAM!

Joey was slowly going insane. He'd thought that since the singing pants belonged to Alister and the secret of them was solved, his life would go back to normal.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Creeeak.

"THESE ARE NOT MY PANTS! THEY DON'T BELONG TO ME! THEY ARE NOT MINE!"

SLAM!

Poor naive little fool.

It seemed that Alister had decided to give the pants to Kaiba, as for some reason, once Kaiba wore them, they shrank to fit him. And so...Alister's deranged pants were still possessing Kaiba and making him sing. And Dartz was still at large.

Long story made short, Dartz was at Joey's back door singing about being a woman, in nothing but women's underwear and Kaiba was at the front, singing about denying his pants.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Joey stared at the closet door, perplexed as to why someone was knocking from inside.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

He inched away, wrapping his arms around his knees.

"Why are they doin' 'dis ta me? Can't they find someone else ta scare?"

The closet door swung open and Yugi rolled out, brushing dust off his shirt.

"Yugi! Thank God! I thought you was either Dartz or Kaiba!"

"Yes. Of course." Yugi murmered, raising an eybrow.

"But ya shouldn' be here, man. They're drivin' me insane and could be dangerous!"

"Right." Yugi said, unlocking Joey's back door. "I don't know about Kaiba, but Dartz, who by the way prefers Ms.Smoochy, is working for me in my diabolical plan to take over the world."

Joey's jaw dropped to the floor. And Dartz sauntered in trying to be aluring.

At this point the front door smashed open and Kaiba came waltzing in. "NOOOOOOOOOT MYYYYYYYYY PAAAAAAANTS!"

Joey huddled up in a little ball, whimpering. There was no way things could get worse. But they did.

Marik walked out of the kitchin, munching on a carrot. "Wheeler, your so pathetic. I think you could use a pick-me-up."

"MARIK! I didn't think I'd ev'a be happy ta see you!" Joey cried. "Yug's gone evil, Dartz thinks he's a hot chick and Kaiba's just loony!"

Marik patted Joey's head. "Yes, yes, fool. So I can see."

"So are ya gonna help?"

"Of course." Marik said, finishing his carrot.

"Great!"

Marik reached over and hit a button on Joey's radio, causing it to play the song "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt".

Joey's eyes shrank to tiny little dots as Marik began to take off his shirt slowly and sing along.

At this point, Joey could take no more suprises, and ran from his house, screaming like a crazy person. 


	6. No One Can Save You

"Joey, I really don't have a clue what your babbling about." Tea said, shaking her head. "But your a mess. Sit down and say it all again. SLOWLY."

Joey sat on the chair and shook his head. "Okay. So, for some time now, Kaiba's been followin' me singin' about denial of pants. And then, all sorts 'o people been singin' lately. Dartz thinks he's a woman. Yugi's evil. And Marik is a stripper who likes singing I'm Too Sexy."

Tea raised an eyebrow. "Joey, have you been smoking something?"

Before he could answer, someone knocked on the door. And, due to the horror he'd been through lately, Joey cringed.

Tea opened the door and there stood Kaiba, wearing only those evil pants.

That was all it took. Joey ran, breaking a Joey-shaped hole in Tea's wall.

Tea blinked. "What was THAT all about?"

Kaiba just watched him go, his eyes glowing an odd redish color, a serene smile on his face. "I don't know. He's always been crazy." 


	7. Comin To Take Me Away Ha HAAAAAAAAAAA!

The list of things I don't own has grown through this story. So I should do a disclaimer.

Disclaimer:I do not own any of the following.  
Yugioh, "These Are Not My Pants", "Man, I Feel Like A Woman", Ms.Bitters, "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt" or "Their Coming To Take Me Away". In order, they belong to Kazuki Takahashi, Five Iron Frenzy, Shania Twain, Whoever created Invader Zim, I don't know and Dr.Demento.

I'm just a walking sign that says "Sue Me!" aren't I?

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Joey could quite clearly recall every event that had happened in the past week. Every little detail was ingraved in his mind.  
And he now knew he only had one choice.

In school, Tristan had been the only one to realize Dartz was a man. So maybe Tristan could help him.

So he headed to Tristan's house.

He knocked and stood waiting. After a few minutes, he heard what sounded to be many locks unlocking. Finaly, the door opened a crack and Tristan peered out.

"Joey! I'm go glad to see you!" He whispered, opening the door just enough to let Joey squeeze through.

Once Joey was inside, Tristan closed the door and re-locked it. Now Joey could see there were enough locks to cover every inch along the side of the door, from bottom to top.

Tristan's hands shook as he locked them, one eye giving a slight twitch from time to time.

Joey was starting to feel a bit unsure about this.

"So...Tristan, Kaiba's been runnin' around singin' 'bout how his pants ain't his. 'Den Dartz an' Yug' teamed up ta' take ova' the world. An' afta' 'dat..."

"I know." Tristan said, cutting him off. I've known for some time."

Joey breathed a sigh of relief. "Man, ya' don' know how glad I am ta' here ya' say 'dat!"

Tristan's sholdors shook slightly, and at first Joey thought he was crying. But then Tristan threw back his head and let out a very loud cackle.

That uneasy feeling came back.

Tristan stopped suddenly, looking alarmed. "I think their starting to make me crack. Don't you agree?"

Joey nodded slowly.

Tristan walked past him. "Follow me. And don't touch the walls."

Joey did as he was told, mentally chastizing himself for ever thinking his best friend could be working with the others.

He followed Tristan through several doors, down a few long hallways and down about four flights of stairs. Until finaly, they came to a strange room. The only light came from an old lightbulb hanging near the far end.

The walls were lined with shelves which held jars with strange things in them. And at the far end of the room, under the lightbulb was a table with vials and strange tools on it.

"Eh...Is 'dis your dad's workshop?" He asked.

"No." Tristan whispered. And then he smiled.

Joey knew he should have trusted that feeling. But it was too late now. And Tristan was blocking the exit.

"I cooked your food. I cleaned your house. And this is how you pay me back for all my kind, un-selfish, loving deeds, huh?"

Joey backed away slowly as Tristan creapt forward.

"Well just you wait. They'll find you yet. And when they do, they'll put you in the ASPCA you mangey mutt!"

Joey backed into the table, whimpering.

"THEIR COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY HAHA! THEIR COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY HOHO HEHE HAHA! TO THE FUNNY FARM!"

Tristan hurtled himself forward. And by some kind of un-natural and totaly unexpected miracle, Kaiba smashed through the wall to the right, colliding with Tristan.

"NOT MY PANTS!"

Both teens rolled accross the floor, Tristan wailing in pain while Kaiba laughed insanely.

Joey didn't know HOW Kaiba had broken through when they were quite obviously underground. But at that moment, he didn't CARE either. He ran through the door and up the stairs, praying he would make it out of Tristan's house in one piece.

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Owari 


	8. Faking My Own Suicide

**Thats right. After who knows how long, the pants have returned to destroy sanity. I've only managed to get crazier since the last update... Be afraid. Also, "Faking My Own Suicide" belongs to Relient K, not me.  
**

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Joey was now certain there was no safe haven for him. His best friends had all fallen prey to the evil broadway mess that had been plagueing Domino lately.

But there was a chance he could fix things.

The pants. Thats where this had all started. With those crazy pants. And the pants were not Kaiba's. (_As if anyone could forget with him singing about the fact all the time_!) They were Alister's.

So Joey made his way to Dartz's secret lair. (_Okay, not-so-secret, considering the fact that even Joey knew where it was....)_

He walked up to the door and knocked. The door swung open to reveal Valon.

"Is Alister home?" Joey asked.

"He's at work. But he'll be back soon. Come on in. Raph just finished making cookies."

Valon turned and walked away from the door, not waiting for an answer. Joey walked in and closed the door behind him. It seemed that the Doom Bikers weren't effected by whatever was happening. He followed the smell of fresh cookies into the kitchin.

There they sat, chewy, gooey and warm. Cookies. He grabbed one and ate it slowly, savoring it. Eating had been tough with so many whackos running around.

He froze mid-bite as he heard an unfamiliar tune strike up around him. He turned to run but it was too late as Valon blocked the doorway. He stood there, strumming a guitar.

"So I've made up my mind. I will pretend to leave this world behind. And in the end you'll know I've lied to get your attention. I'm faking my own suicide."

Joey screamed, dropped the cookie, turned and dove out the window. As he ran away, Valon stopped playing and looked a bit miffed.

"Was my singing really so horrible...?"

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This insanity refuses to die. Review if you want more. Also, I'm taking suggestions for fun songs to use in this!


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